Fake
by Asilda
Summary: Artemis's memories don't return in The Opal Deception, even after he views the disk. In order to save his friends he has to fake it, but somehow pretending to be the person they care about makes him feel even worse than stealing or extorting.
1. Chapter 1

Fake

Artemis stared at the screen. It was blank now. He'd viewed every single file on the microdisk, hoping at eventually one of them would spark off some memories, but he'd hoped in vain.

He'd known, when he finished watching the video that he sent to himself, whatever memories he was trying to uncover were gone for good. If the one and only person in the world that he trusted completely (himself) had been unable to convince his subconscience that his old memories were in fact real, then there really was no hope anymore. Looking at all the files had been more of an attempt to familiarize himself with his situation than a last resort to gain back his memories.

_This is complicated beyond belief,_ thought Artemis. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples gingerly with his fingertips_. Ridiculous, really. Maybe I really am going insane._ Yet somehow insanity was harder to believe in than fairies. After all, he trusted himself, and his mind was the one thing that had never let him down.

"So my memories aren't coming back," whispered Artemis with a weary sigh. "But I am in a better position now than I was before. I have knowledge now." The files on the microdisk had proved invaluable. A goldmine of information as it were. He was armed now. He knew the rules of the game, thus he could develop a strategy to save his life and the life of his friends.

_Friends_.

The concept was still a hard one for Artemis Fowl to understand and it occurred to him as he was mulling it over, that the people he was thinking of as his friends actually weren't _his_ friends. They were the friends of the Artemis who had risked everything to save them during the B'wa Kell uprising. The Artemis who'd given up half a ton of gold in exchange for his mother's sanity and who had been willing to do whatever it took to save his father's life. That Artemis was the one who'd saved Captain Short's career after her trigger finger was severed and who concocted a scheme worthy of a mad scientist to save Butler's life. But unfortunately for those friends, that Artemis was dead.

It was true that the body Artemis occupied was the one that had done all those things, but that personality had been deleted right along with those memories. He wasn't the Artemis that they needed him to be. He was merely a watered down forgery.

Artemis sighed again and buried his head in his hands as an idea occurred to him. Forgery was his specialty after all.

Right now his friends, or rather the people who thought he was their friend, needed the original him. Or at least they thought they needed the original Artemis, and maybe they did, but any chances of getting him back were gone now. Ironic that they were the ones who'd destroyed him, but there was no help for it now. They would have to make due with the counterfeit him. He couldn't be the person they wanted him to be but he could pretend that he was.

Honestly the idea of faking this made him sick. He wondered if he could really pull it off. Could he lie to Butler, the closest thing he (the current he that is) had to a friend and the person who knew him better than anyone alive? Could he stare into Holly Short's huge hazel eyes and convince her that she was the friend she remembered him being? Somehow pretending to be the person who they genuinely cared about seemed even worse than thievery or extortion, even though he'd be doing this for their own sakes.

More than that, he'd failed once before, which was troublesome. Captain Short had seen through his lies on top of the Temple of Artemis. She knew him better than he'd anticipated. If he wanted this charade to work he couldn't make a mistake like that again.

"I can do this," Artemis whispered. He steeled himself and took a deep breath. Then he opened the door and stepped outside, ready to pull off the worst scam of his life.

Well, what do you think? Please review and let me know. If people like this story, I'll keep on writing. If not then I shall, to borrow a phrase from the books that we all love, move on to more tasteful ventures.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for the kind reviews! Here is the next chapter of Fake. Please let me know what you think and if you want me to keep going with this fic.

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl. Spoilers for The Opal Deception. Some of the dialogue in this chapter has been adapted from passages in that book to fit this story.

2

When Artemis emerged from the bathroom, he appeared to be much more relaxed than when he'd entered. In reality nothing could be further from the truth. All his nerves were on edge and there was a tension in his mind that was similar to the feeling that accompanied his usual illegal activities, except for now it was very unpleasant. But he had played it cool through heists and charades with much higher stakes than fooling a few people of merely average intellect. He would play it cool now too.

Artemis paid particularly close attention to his body language, knowing how important nonverbal cues were. He kept his palms open, forced his shoulders to relax, and focused on projecting the persona of a more open and trustworthy individual than he actually was. Breathing was the biggest problem and took the most concentration, but he managed to take nice, even breaths as though nothing was wrong.

He found the shuttle's other occupants seated around a table, eating food from foil packets that resembled military MREs. He could only assume that they were the LEP equivalent of human Meals Ready to Eat. The largest pile of foil wrappers was stacked in front of the strange creature whose posterior he'd been introduced to on the Temple of Artemis. Mulch, Holly had called him, and he certainly seemed like a character who'd fit the bill for the Mr. Mulch Diggums who had been recorded in Artemis's files.

Mulch glanced at him and gave him a sharp once over. Artemis had to make an effort not to hold his breath_. See how relaxed I am? _heprojected to the dwarf._ My mind is much more at ease than it was before. And see how I make eye contact with you now, and blink rather than to try and stare you down, or gazing at you mistrustfully? That is because I remember you. So stop looking at me so suspiciously, damn you!_

Just when Artemis thought that he'd burst a blood vessal, Mulch's expression relaxed to match his own. "About time you got your head in order," Mulch grunted and started toward the bathroom. "I need to get into that bathroom urgently."

"Nice to see you too, Mulch," Artemis said, stepping aside to allow the dwarf past. Out the corner of his eye he saw the elf he'd bonded over trauma with freeze in the act of raising a foil packet impaled by a straw to her lips.

"You remember him?" Captain Short asked. But no, Artemis had to think of her as Holly now. That was how he'd referred to her as most often in his files.

He felt his stomach turn as he noticed how Holly's hazel eyes were lit up. Or to be more precise, her entire face was lit up. She looked as though her best friend had just come back from the dead. Artemis forced a smile and felt the lie roll off his lips. "Of course, Holly. We have known each other for more than two years."

Holly jumped from her chair and clasped Artemis's shoulders. "Artemis," she said, positively beaming at him. "It's great to see you. The real you. The gods know we need Artemis Fowl right now."

Artemis had to make a conscious effort not to flinch at her words. He had to make an even bigger effort not to throw up, which was confusing, even to him. Always before, when he'd felt bad, or thought that he was "sickened" by something, it had always been in a metaphorical way. Now he was beginning to realize that the phrase had more literal roots.

"Well, he's here and ready for duty, Captain." Artemis forced some levity into his tone, but made sure that his eyes, remained a bit more serious, if happy.

"Do you remember everything?" Holly asked. She was practically glowing with satisfaction now. Her hands were warm on his shoulders, and at that moment Artemis wished more than anything that he could have been the person she wanted him to be.

He opened his mouth again and lied right to her face. "Yes. I do. And first of all, let me apologize for that _consultant_ business. That was very rude. Please forgive me."

He took a chance with that apology. He wasn't sure how good of a person he'd been on his way to becoming before the mindwipe.

Perhaps it was the wrong thing to say, because Holly's eyes darkened a bit. "But what made you remember?" asked the elf. She was suspicious now. This was not good. "Don't tell me a visit to the bathroom jogged your memory."

"Not exactly." Artemis quickly held up the disk. His explanation was true, at least, so maybe he could still bluff his way through this. "I gave this to Mulch. It is my video diary. He was supposed to return it to me upon his release from prison."

Holly shook her head and Artemis started to think that he was, as Juliet would say, majorly screwed. "That's not possible. Mulch was searched by experts. The only thing you gave him was the gold medallion."

_Gold medallion? What gold medallion?_ Artemis tilted the disk in his hand, wondering how he could explain how he'd also managed to give the dwarf this disk as well, but of course he couldn't. He couldn't remember. He felt his lies crumbling down around his ears and opened his mouth to confess and apologize, but suddenly Holly was groaning out loud.

"Of course!" She slapped her forehead. "You passed off that disk as the gold medallion."

_I did?_

"Very clever."

Artemis shrugged and decided to try for levity again. That seemed to work well the first time. And he decided to add a touch of arrogance in there for good measure. "Genius, actually. It merely seems clever in hindsight, but the original idea was pure genius."

Holly cocked her head. "Genius. Of course. Believe it or not I actually missed that smug grin."

Artemis took a breath and tried to think of what he would say to Holly next if they really were friends. His mind settled on the image of her crying, when he'd first woken up and seen her. _If we were friends, I'd try to offer her some sort of comfort,_ he thought. And so he made the attempt. "I am so sorry about Julius. I know our relationship was a rocky one, but I had nothing but respect and admiration for the commander."

Holly wiped her eyes with the heels of her hands. She said nothing, just nodded. Artemis immediately regretted moving on to that topic. The sight of Holly struggling not to burst into tears made him feel like even more of a fraud. Who was he to bring up her late commander? Certainly he wasn't her real friend. He was just pretending to be her friend. That made offering his sympathy for a man that he couldn't even remember even worse. Artemis had never felt so disgusted with himself in his life. Perhaps what was even worse was his desire to hug Holly now, to try to offer her comfort the way someone who really cared about her would.

Butler spoke up, mercifully providing a distraction. "Now that we're all reacquainted we should try to track Opal Koboi down. It's a big world."

At last, something that Artemis could deal with and not feel guilty about. No, on the contrary, he'd rather enjoy toppling that sadistic pixie's plans right out from under her.

The smirk that crossed his face was not feigned, as he waved his finger dismissively at Butler's worries. "No need. I know exactly where our would-be murderer is. Like all megalomaniacs, she has a tendency to show off." He crossed to a plastic computer keyboard on the wall and called up a map of Europe.

The ease at which he navigated the unfamiliar system seemed to further assure Holly that he was indeed who he was pretending to be. "I see your Gnommish has come back to you," she sniffed.

"Of course," lied Artemis. There was no need for her to know that he had _relearned_ the language rather than _remembered_ it. The files on his disk had included a translation guide, and of course one look at it was all it took for him to commit it to memory. It was a very small comfort that he and Holly hadn't been such good friends that she'd learned just how smart he really was. No, actually that really wasn't a comfort. For some reason it depressed Artemis even more. He had to forcibly tear his thoughts away from musings on friendship and focus them on the present.

"Opal revealed a little bit more of her plan than she knew," he said, enlarging part of the map. "She let two words slip, though one would have been sufficient. She said that her human name was to be Belinda Zito. Now, if you wished to lead the humans to the Fairy People, who better to have adopt you than the renowned billionaire environmentalist Giovanni Zito?"

Holly crossed the shuttle deck to the screen. "And where would we find Dr. Zito?"

Artemis carefully tapped a few keys, double checking to make sure they were right before pressing down on them. He zoomed in on Sicily and forced a self satisfied expression on his face. "At his world-famous Earth Ranch. Right there in the Messina province," he said.

Mulch stuck his head out of the bathroom. The rest was mercifully hidden behind the door.

"Did I hear you talking about a Mud Man named Zito?"

Holly turned toward the dwarf, then kept right on turning. "Yes. So what? And for heaven's sake close the door."

Mulch pulled the door so only a crack remained. "I was just watching a bit of human television in here, as you do. Well there's a Zito person on CNN. Do you think it's the same person?"

Holly grabbed a remote control from the desktop. "I really hope not," she said. "But I'd bet my life it is."

The small group watched the press conference unfold on the screen and Artemis split his attention so that he could study Holly and Butler even as he took in the information presented from the television. His performance, he knew, was not as convincing as it needed to be. Regardless of his newly developed moral qualms or the way his body seemed to try to reject the lies he was continuously spouting, he had to keep to this course.

His mind was as sharp as it had always been. His abilities were as ingenious as they had always been. He knew how to play this game. All the cards were in his hands. But his friends didn't trust him. Or rather, they wouldn't trust him if they knew that he still didn't remember. If they knew that he wasn't who he was pretending to be. He couldn't let them start to doubt him, or everything would be lost. So he had to keep pretending to be the person they needed him to be. He had to continue being a fake.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you samin90 for reviewing last chapter! I just finished chapter 3, so here it is!

3

After the press conference Holly seemed to grow even more distressed than before. Chief among her concerns was her inability to warn Foaly about the probe, since the LEP pursuit pods had blown out their communications before she and Artemis ever came aboard.

"I have no doubt he already know," said Artemis. "That centaur monitors all the human news channels." He knew this, of course, from the files on his disk, and at that moment he was very glad for this knowledge. It helped make him sound more convincing, and in the state Holly was in now, he couldn't afford for her to even suspect that he wasn't who he claimed to be.

"But he doesn't know that Opal Koboi is giving Zito the benefit of her fairy knowledge." Holly pointed at Giovanni's image on the screen. "Look at his eyes. The poor man has been mesmerized so many times that his pupils are actually ragged."

Artemis stroked his chin thoughtfully as he took in what Holly was talking about. It was one thing to read about a symptom, but a completely different thing to view it for himself. "If I know Foaly," he said (which he didn't, but pretending he did was better than the alternative), "he's been monitoring this project since its initiation. He probably already has a contingency plan."

"I'm sure he has," agreed Holly. "A contingency plan for a crackpot scheme in ten years' time that will probably never work."

"Of course," agreed Artemis. "As opposed to a scientifically viable scheme, right now, that has every chance of succeeding."

Holly headed for the cockpit. "I have to turn myself in, even if I am a murder suspect. There is more at stake here than my future."

"Steady on," objected Mulch. "I broke out of prison for you. I have no desire to be shoved back in again."

Artemis stepped in front of her. "Wait a minute, Holly," he said, and now knew that he was making the right decision about deceiving her. It didn't make him feel any better about his lies, but now he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were necessary. If Holly knew that she was putting her trust in the hands of an unscrupulous genius with no memories of her influences on him, she would act all the more irrational. "Think about what will happen if you do turn yourself in," he urged her.

"Artemis is right," added Butler. "You should think about this. If the LEP is anything like human police forces, fugitives are not exactly welcomed with open arms. Open cell doors, maybe."

That made Holly stop for a moment. She considered and then began to think out loud. "If I give myself up to Internal Affairs, I will be taken into custody. As an LEP officer, I can be held for 72 hours without counsel. As a murder suspect I can be held for up to a week. Even if someone did believe that I was completely innocent, and that Opal Koboi was behind all this, it would still take at least 8 hours to get clearance for an operation. But in all likelihood, my claims would be dismissed as the standard protests of the guilty. Especially with you three backing up my story. No offense."

"None taken," said Mulch.

Holly sat and put her head in her hands. "My world is utterly gone. I keep thinking that there will be a way back, but things just keep spinning farther and farther out of control."

Artemis put his hand on her shoulder without thinking. "Courage, Captain. Ask yourself, what would the commander do?"  
Holly turned narrow eyes on him and Artemis felt a bead of sweat on his brow as he realized that he must have slipped up. He'd been too warm and sincere for her to believe that it was really him . . . though it actually had been all him, and not an act. Those words had come out unbidden, the words of someone who genuinely wanted to comfort their friend. And they were going to be his undoing.

"Don't you try to manipulate me, Artemis Fowl," snapped Holly.

Artemis couldn't suppress a flinch.

"I make my own decisions . . . Even so, Julius would take care of Opal Koboi himself. So that's what we're going to do?"

It is? You still don't see through me? You haven't figured out what a pathetic fake I am yet? Artemis forced a smile. "Excellent. In that case, we will need a strategy."

"Right. I'll fly the shuttle; you put that brain of yours to work and come up with a plan."

"Each to his own," said the boy, and sat down to scheme.

Artemis had no trouble mining the LEP ship's computers for the information that he needed, then giving a convincing interpretation of the facts to his companions. Computers were a language all their own, so even though he was relearning Gnommish on the fly, he was still able to navigate it with relative ease. And lecturing was something he'd always been comfortable with. Scheming and deducing too, so he had no problems maintain his charade while engaged in those acts.

In order to finalize his plot there was more that he needed to know about shuttles and charges. Unfortunately, he couldn't remember if those were things that he already should have known. He solved that problem easily enough though, with a master stroke: redirection. He got Holly to explain what he needed to know while she navigated their shuttle through the tricky subterranean passages. She was too busy concentrating on what she was doing to be suspicious if he asked anything that he should have already known.

Before they resurfaced in Italy, he managed to awe her once again with his cranial prowess by finding the supposedly undetectable stealth shuttle using their own ship's extremely limited scanning technology. That was child's play, really. Ridiculous, how despite the millions of whatever currency units you chose to calculate it in, that went into developing the stealth technology in Opal's shuttle, it was so easily overcome. Finding the "hole in the air" as Holly put it, took less than a minute.

In celebration Holly punched him in the shoulder. The blow was probably rather light for her, as she was obviously trying to be friendly and congratulate him, but Artemis couldn't suppress a wince. He wondered how he'd managed to endure this sort of treatment when he and Holly really were friends. Unfortunately, he was in no position to complain. He didn't know what he had said to her on the subject of bruising him in the past, and he couldn't risk repeating an argument he already made as though it was the first time he'd voiced it.

They put his plan into motion and sent Mulch into enemy territory. Then they began their fake grid search, dropping explosives into each square, as though they were searching for Opal's shuttle, rather than merely diverting her attention.

When they arrived at the rendezvous sight, Mulch was already waiting for them, with a bulging bag.

"Did you get it?" Artemis asked anxiously as soon as Butler hauled the dwarf inside.

"Right here," Mulch said, handing over the bag. "And before you ask, I left the radio."

Phase One was a success then. Artemis couldn't keep a smile off his face as he hurried back into the cockpit. "Go!" he shouted, thumping Holly's headrest.

"We're gone," she said, and the next thing Artemis knew, his legs were flying up behind him as the shuttle throttled forward.

"How much time do we have?" Holly asked him as he pulled himself into the passenger sear.

"Minutes," he told her. "The orebody will hit a depth of 105 miles in precisely one quarter of an hour. Opal will be after us any second."

They were cutting it close, but then, that was the usual for Artemis, and hopefully for his alter ego as well. When Holly asked him if his plan was going to work, he hoped that it was her nerves speaking, and not some roundabout way of hinting that perhaps he wasn't who he was pretending to be. Not that it would matter soon anyway.

"I considered eight plans, and this was the best one. Even so, we have a sixty-four percent chance of success. The key is to keep Opal distracted so she doesn't discover the truth. That's up to you, Holly. Can you do it?"

Amazingly, she didn't realize that she was being distracted right there, just as much as Opal. Just as well though, since this was no time for her to start doubting his tactical abilities. After this was over she could doubt him all she wanted. In fact, she probably would, since he was planning on coming clean anyway. The deception was wearing down on him. It was even more exhausting than physical exertion and he knew that he wouldn't be able to keep it up much longer. Any way he looked at it, it was only a matter of time before he slipped up and asked something that he should have already known, or said something that he'd already said before.

Opal began chasing them, right on schedule. In fact, every move she made played right into Artemis' hands. Taunting her about the stolen truffles and watching her spaz out was even more enjoyable than stealing The Fairy Thief. Almost as enjoyable as watching Opal accidentally blow up her own ship.

The escape from her heat seeking missiles that followed was nerve wracking. Artemis had lost track of how many times he'd nearly thrown up that day, yet somehow he managed to avoid doing so yet again. He should have anticipated Opal trying to shoot them down. Perhaps the old him would have. He didn't know. It was becoming harder and harder to guess what kind of person he had been, especially since he was becoming less and less sure what kind of person he was now.

The pilot of the LEP ship that drew off the heat seeking missiles seemed to be a friend of Holly's. When Artemis protested his comment about every occupant of the shuttle being under arrest, on the grounds that the LEP had no jurisdiction over humans (more information gleaned from the files on his disk) the pilot seemed to know who he was right away.

"Let me guess," he said with a sigh. "Artemis Fowl, right? I should have known. You people are becoming quite the team."

It bothered him that this stranger knew who he was, when he didn't even know if he knew this stranger or not. It was a warning that his lies were going to start unraveling faster and faster. Artemis thought about coming clean to his companions right then and there, but from the look on Holly's face, he deduced that that might not be the safest course of action. She had really wanted Opal Koboi. Having to return to Haven without her must have stung, probably even more than Artemis' arm when Holly had punched him while she was happy. He didn't want to know how hard she would hit when she was mad.

They were taken back to Haven and housed/confined in the shuttleport's executive lounge. Even though they were under guard, it was all very civil. They were given good food and clean clothes, though nothing fit Butler. There were even entertainment centers, though Artemis paid little attention to those. He needed time to think and figure out what to say to his friends. Or rather, his alter ego's friends. It hurt worse and worse to realize that the people he'd bonded with over the course of the last twenty-four hours weren't really his friends. Except for Butler, of course. He did not relish losing the illusion, even though he'd known all along that this wasn't real.

Try as he might though, Artemis could not figure out how to break the truth to Mulch and Holly. He was still dwelling on it half an hour after their arrival, when the door flew open and in galloped the strangest creature he could ever remember laying eyes on. He knew what it was immediately though. He'd read mythology texts after all.

"Holly!" the centaur cried, enveloping the elf in a hug. "I am so happy that you're alive."

"Me too, Foaly," said Holly with a grin, confirming Artemis's theory that this particular centaur was the famous Foaly. The one who'd wiped his memories.

"A little hello wouldn't hurt," said Mulch sulkily. "'How are you, Mulch? Long time no see, Mulch. Here's your medal, Mulch.'"

"Oh, all right," said Foaly, and he wrapped one arm around the dwarf, while keeping one around Holly. Artemis couldn't help but glower as the centaur stood with one arm wrapped around each of the fairies who were once his friends. Somehow, it was like losing them all over again, even if he couldn't remember the first time he'd lost them.

"Nice to see you too, Mulch, even if you did sink one of my subs," said Foaly, oblivious to Artemis's glare. "And no, no medal."

"Because of the sub," argued Mulch. "If I hadn't done it, your bones would be buried under a hundred million tons of molten iron right now."

"Good point," noted the centaur. "I'll mention it at your hearing." And then he turned to Artemis. He looked at the young teen and smiled. Like they were friends. Which of course they weren't. Artemis somehow doubted that they could have been friends before the mindwipe, but if they had been, Foaly was out of luck. He'd effectively killed the person Artemis had been before, for without those memories, he was hardly the same person.

"I see you managed to cheat the mindwipe, Artemis," said the centaur.

Artemis tried to return the strange creature's smile, but his facial muscles wouldn't cooperate. The best that he could seem to manage was a grimace and his stomach turned uncomfortably with the effort. _It's time to end the lie, _he realized._ I can't do this anymore._

He held up his hand, palm facing Foaly in a halting motion, as the centaur reached his own hand out toward Artemis for a handshake.

"Actually," said Artemis uncomfortably, taking a step back, "I didn't."

It took his companions a few moments to process what he'd said, but as they realized, all gazes were drawn toward him.

Artemis forced himself to look at Mulch, then at Holly, taking care to meet their eyes. "Sorry," he whispered, miserably. "I really am. But I lied to you. I . . . I don't remember anything."

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In the next chapter Artemis must explain himself to his friends then realizes that there's something else he should be worrying about too, as all the stress that's been put on his body since the previous day starts to catch up to him. Please review and let me know what you think or if you have ideas about what you want to happen!


	4. Chapter 4

Here it is! The not-so-long awaited Chapter 4! I hope you all enjoy it!

4

"Sorry," Artemis whispered, miserably. "I really am. But I lied to you. I . . . I don't remember anything."

Holly and Mulch stared at him in disbelief. Then they looked at each other, then at Foaly, as though he might have an answer, before turning back to Artemis, wide eyed.

"You . . . you don't remember?" Holly asked incredulously.

Artemis shook his head. He felt a strange burning sensation in his eyes.

"But you said you did!" protested Holly.

"I lied," said Artemis bitterly. "I just told you that. And it shouldn't be a shock, should it? If we were friends, you should have known how good I am at lying."

"But your Gnommish came back to you!" Holly didn't want to seem to face the facts. "You were using the computers as easily as if you'd programmed them yourself! And that plan you came up with? It was nothing short of genius. And – and –"

Artemis shook his head. "I'm a good fake. That's all."

"Wait, wait, wait." Foaly was looking at him like he had grown a second head. "You came up with a plan to defeat Opal Koboi without any of your memories?"

Artemis nodded.

_"How?"_

"Tactics, psychology, and manipulation," said Artemis with a sad little shrug. "They're universal."

For several moments, no one spoke.

Surprisingly, it was Butler who broke the silence. "Why did you lie, Artemis?" he asked, resting a hand on his charge's shoulder.

Artemis reached up and across his chest to lay his own hand on top of his bodyguard's hand, grateful for the support. "Because I had to," he told them. "Because no one would have believed I could beat Koboi if I hadn't."

"Well, I sure as heck wouldn't have," Foaly agreed.

"I can't say whether I would have or not." Mulch looked like he was trying to grin but his heart wasn't really in it. "When it comes to this kid, I keep thinking nothing will surprise me anymore. And then I turn around and you've shocked the socks off me all over again. I think I need to stop underestimating you, Mud Whelp."

Mulch wasn't holding any grudges, at least. That was good. Better than Artemis had hoped. Then he looked back at Holly and saw tears in her eyes, and started to hate himself all over again.

"Holly," he said, wondering how he could apologize in a way that would let her know that he really meant it. "I –" His stomach turned over then twisted itself into a painful knot, and Artemis knew that he had finally reached his limit. He quickly pressed one hand over his mouth, jerked out of Butler's grasp, and lurched out of the room.

The bathroom was too far away, and he knew it, so he veered off into the kitchen and managed to make it to the trashcan. The clinical, scientific part of his mind was amazed that there was anything in him to throw up at all. Aside from one of Opal Koboi's truffles, he hadn't eaten anything since before stealing The Fairy Thief, and he'd lost track of how long ago that had been. It had been a small miracle that Butler had been too distracted to notice his lack of appetite, back when he first started pretending he remembered.

He was surprised to feel slender fingered hands touch his head as he knelt, dry heaving over the trashcan.

"Are you ill?" Holly asked, smoothing his hair away from his face. "I can call for someone with magic to heal you."

"N-no," choked Artemis. "I'm okay."

"That's debatable." Holly stood when Artemis finally sat back away from the trashcan. He expected her to leave, but she surprised him by getting two wash clothes and wetting them with water from the sink. Then she knelt back down in front of him and wiped his mouth with one. Then she used the other to wash the rest of his face.

"I'm sorry," said Artemis huskily, bowing his head.

"Everyone gets sick," said Holly dismissively.

"Not about that. You know what about."

"You're sorry that you lied to me?"

He nodded. "For that. And for not being him."

Holly blinked. "For not being who?"

"The _real_ Artemis Fowl," he said miserably, using her own words. "The person you were friends with. The person that you wanted to see."

"Artemis," whispered Holly, as she wiped away a few tears that escaped his eyes, "I didn't mean that like . . . well, like that. You're still you, whether you remember or not."

"That's incorrect," Artemis told her. "Our memories define who we are. Entire books have been written, arguing as much, not to mention several dozen movies."

"A lot of things define who we are," countered Holly, "and right now, by anyone's argument or definition, you are a hero, Artemis. Besides, didn't we decide that we were friends, bonded by trauma?"

She was giving him an out. One that he didn't deserve, and he knew it.

"Why would you want to be friends with me?" he asked. "I lied to you."

"To save my life," said Holly. "And to save my city."

"And you know I'll lie to you again," Artemis forced himself to be brutally honest. "The next time I think the situation requires it, whether my reasons are good or not. I'll lie to you, and I might feel bad about it, but it won't stop me."

"I know," Holly told him. "I know you fairly well, Mud Boy. Want to hear what I've learned about you since we met?" Artemis didn't answer, so she seemed to take that as an invitation to continue. "I've learned that you try to pretend that you're a worse person than you really are. You put up a cool exterior, shielding yourself with facts and logic, and you try to be greedy, but when it comes down to it, you're really not. You'll do anything for the people you love, including giving up half a metric ton of gold, crawling through radioactive plasma, trekking across an arctic wasteland, letting someone drain a pint of your blood through a needle in your arm, and using fish freezers as cryogenic pods. You were more scared of turning into a monster than you were of losing IQ points when you faced the mindwipe, but from the looks of it, you didn't need to worry on either front. You're a good person, but you can't see it for yourself unless someone else is using one hand to hold up a mirror for you, and the other to hold your chin and forcing you to look in it."

She reached out and gently caught his chin and turned his head, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Does that sound about right to you, Master Fowl? Or should I keep going?"

Artemis drew a shaky breath. "It really doesn't bother you?" he asked. "That I don't remember?"

"Of course it bothers me," said Holly, but she didn't break eye contact even though her voice trembled. "But I don't blame you for it. It's not your fault. It's our fault. We're the ones who did this to you."

"Then . . . you want to be my friend?" Artemis couldn't believe the tone that his voice took on. He sounded almost . . . well there was no almost about it. He sounded shy. And he never sounded shy. "You really want to be friends with me?"

"Yes," Holly told him. "I really want that."

Artemis considered this for a moment and tried to figure out how this made him feel. He wondered for a moment what the old him would have done, but quickly realized that it didn't much matter. Holly wanted to be friends with the current him, whether his memories ever returned or not. And he knew what he wanted to do now.

"I would like to hug you," he said tentatively. For some reason he was very afraid that this declaration would get him a punch in the face. Why he would think that, he had no idea. The only place Holly seemed inclined to punch him, in his current memories at least, was in the shoulder.

Holly didn't assault him for his presumption though. Instead she held out her arms to him, an invitation. He leaned into her embrace and wrapped his arms around her hesitantly, worried that she would change her mind. But of course, she didn't. Instead she returned the embrace, and squeezed him with enough strength to force the air out of his lungs. Not the smartest thing to do to someone who'd just lost his lunch, or rather yesterday's lunch, since that had been the last time he'd eaten, but despite the physical discomfort, for a moment, Artemis felt like everything was all right.

X

"I'm sorry, Holly."

Holly looked up from the sleeping Mud Boy whose head she had cradled in her lap, to see Foaly standing nervously in the doorway.

"Sorry for what?" she asked, taking care to keep her voice soft. Artemis had been through so much in the past twenty-four hours that he deserved a bit of rest. Until now, the only time he'd had a chance had been when he was knocked unconscious.

Foaly looked meaningfully at Artemis. His eyes were full of sorrow, and Holly knew what he meant immediately.

"I'm just as much to blame as you are," she said sadly.

"You weren't the one who pushed the buttons."

"No . . . but I would have if I'd been ordered to."

Foaly's smile was bitter. "No you wouldn't have. We both know it, too. You could have never deleted your friend, like I did."

"He wasn't deleted, Foaly," said Holly angrily. Tears filled her eyes and she clenched her fists. Artemis moaned, subconsciously reacting to her voice and her anger. She took a deep breath before continuing. "Just his memories. He backslid a little, but what it comes down to is that he's still the same person he was when we last parted. And I won't let him forget that."

It sounded more like she was trying to convince herself than him, and they both knew it. Foaly knew her well enough to see what this was doing to her. She was trying to pretend that it didn't matter for Artemis's sake, because the boy was weakened by his ordeal, and his head was in a mess, and he really needed a friend right then. But when it came down to it, he wasn't the same person he used to be. He never would be again, thanks to what they had done, and Holly hated herself for it. They really had deleted their friend.

Foaly was silent for a moment. "I can't believe he was able to beat Koboi without his memories. That's like – like – like a child reading the rule book for chess, then proceeding to stomp the world champion into the ground in a casual match. Though come to think of it, I seem to remember reading something about little Arty here doing just that in his biography files."

"He's a marvel," Holly whispered. On her lap Artemis moaned again and stirred restlessly. Holly put a comforting hand on his forehead then recoiled. Her eyes widened. "He's hot!"

"Umm . . ." Foaly looked at her oddly, sure that he had heard wrong. "He's fourteen, remember Holly? I don't think –"

"I mean he's burning up!" snapped Holly. "He's got a fever. Foaly, get a healer, quick!"

Foaly blinked then turned and galloped back into the hallway, toward the door. Moments later, Holly heard the creak of the floorboards as Butler tried to crawl through the hall that probably felt like a ventilation shaft to him.

"Holly? Foaly said something was wrong with Artemis?" Butler's voice was thick with worry.

"He's got a fever," Holly said. She laid the boy down gently on the floor and quickly crossed the kitchen to get some ice from the freezer. She had no idea how her young friend had gotten so sick in such a short amount of time, but she knew that if something wasn't done fast, he'd be in really bad shape. His brain would start to cook inside his skull if they didn't get his fever down. The very last thing that she wanted was for anymore damage to come to her friend's mind.

Butler growled a curse as he finally made it to his charge's side. He put a hand on Artemis's chest, checking to make sure he was breathing and his heart was beating. Then he moved his hand to Artemis's forehead and winced at the temperature. "He was fine a few minutes ago," he protested. "How is this even possible?"

"He's been through the wringer," said Holly. She filled a bag with ice and motioned for Butler to move his hand so that she could put it on Artemis's forehead. "Since yesterday he's fallen from a third story window, broken two ribs, woke up, got knocked out again, woke up again, had to run for his life to escape from trolls, got saved by dwarf gas, outmaneuvered Opal Koboi in a battle of wits, and survived a shuttle chase involving heat seeking missiles. I guess the effects of all that are finally catching up to him."

"No, it's not possible," protested Butler. "Stress alone can't do this to a human. Not in such a short amount of time. There has to be something else . . ." he trailed off and moved toward Artemis' feet. "What is this?" he demanded, indicating the boy's sliced and bloody stocking.

Holly blanched. "That happened when we were running from trolls," she groaned. "I completely forgot. One of them managed to rake his ankle."

Butler rolled up Artemis's pant leg and pulled off his shoe and sock to reveal a rancid looking gash and angry red streaks radiating outward along his skin. "Infection," he muttered. "Can your fairy magic fix this?"

"I'm dry," Holly told him, "but Foaly's running to get someone who can heal him."

Artemis' eyelids fluttered, then opened, and he stared up at his friends with feverish eyes.

"Artemis? Can you hear me?" asked Butler gently.

"F-f-father?"

Butler closed his eyes and sighed sadly. "No, Artemis. It's me. Butler."

Artemis blinked at him and frowned. "Father?"

"It's alright, Artemis," Holly said, moving to his other side. "Just hang in there, Mud Boy. We're getting someone up here to fix you up."

Artemis regarded her with confusion then looked back at his oldest friend. "Sleeping pills," he muttered. "Imperative to the plan . . . all go to sleep immediately . . ."

A muscle twitched in Butler's face, but he said nothing. He just took one of Artemis' hands in his own and held it gently.

"He doesn't know what he's saying," Holly informed the bodyguard. "But he'll be all right soon."

"I know."

"Santa Clause . . . and the elves and the shoemaker . . ." Artemis continued to ramble. "Never woke up . . . imperative to the plan . . ." His eyes slid closed again, and the sound of his babbling was replaced by labored breathing.

Thankfully a healer arrived within minutes. The elf who Foaly had fetched wrinkled her nose at the sight of the Mud Boy, but dutifully knelt by his side and touched the festering wound on his ankle.

"Heal," she said, and blue sparks popped out of her finger to disappear into Artemis's skin. The irritated skin smoothed over and began to heal and within moments the cut was closed. The healer kept her hand in place until the red streaks around where the wound once was disappeared.

Holly touched Artemis' cheek again and frowned. "He still has a fever."

"Nothing I can do about that," sniffed the healer. "Not unless you want to filter out all of the tainted blood in your Mud Boy, and pump new blood into him. You should know better than to let a cut fester this long."

"I was completely dry," said Holly, defensively.

"Then you should have gotten him to someone who wasn't before the infection got into his blood stream. Nothing except for time can get his fever down now."

"We were a little bit busy saving the world," muttered Holly as she smoothed Artemis's sweat soaked hair away from his face.

"Too busy to make sure that he ate and drank?" the other elf asked. "Your Mud Boy's dehydrated and doesn't seem to have eaten in at least a day and he's too scrawny to begin with."

"Stop calling him my Mud Boy like he's some kind of pet!" snapped Holly. "And now that there's no one trying to kill both of us, we will take better care of him."

"Get some fluids in him then," advised the healer. She moved her hands to Artemis' face and peeled open his eyelids so that she could see the orb beneath it. "He should be fine in a few hours," she deduced.

Artemis's other eye opened on its own accord and he weakly batted at the healer's hand. "You pasty-faced weasel," he mumbled, causing the healer to start and recoil.

"Well I never!" she huffed, then stormed out of the complex.

Holly blinked at her Mud Boy friend. What he said sounded familiar somehow, but there would be time to dwell on it later.

They moved Artemis into one of the bed rooms. They being Holly and Foaly, because Butler had to crawl to get through the door frames, and because Mulch was a sanitation risk thus thought it best to keep a bit of distance between the sickly boy and himself. Holly replaced the ice bag on Artemis' head once they had him settled, but could tell that they wouldn't really need it soon. His skin was already cooler to the touch now that his blood was no longer being tainted by that festering cut. His antibodies went to work on the infection that was already in his bloodstream and were bolstered by the healing magic that had cured his wound.

They managed to get some water into him, then swabbed his face down with cool water. By the time they finished, his fever was almost completely gone.

Next chapter, Artemis wakes up, and his first word causes Holly and Butler to do a double take! Could it be that our favorite juvenile mastermind is getting his memories back?


	5. Chapter 5

5

"LOLLIPOPS!!!!!!!!!!" Artemis Fowl sat bolt upright in his bed. A sealed bag of half melted ice fell from his forehead, into his lap. The room's other two occupants jumped then sat up straighter in the chairs that they had pulled up beside him. Holly and Butler both stared at him quizzically.

"Say again," Butler said, looking at him oddly. "I thought you just said . . ."

"He did just say," said Holly. "Didn't you?"

"What?" Artemis asked, blinking at them, confused.

"Lollipops," Holly and Butler said simultaneously.

Artemis stared at them for a moment, feeling even more confused. "I don't like lollipops," he told them, frowning. "In fact, no self respecting criminal mastermind even uses the word 'lollipops.' I once compiled a database of –" He broke off, eyes going even wider with shock, as though he'd just been struck by a bolt of lightning. Or a taser.

"Artemis!" Butler was immediately at his side, grabbing his arm in alarm.

But Artemis didn't seem to be in pain. In fact, he was smiling. "I remembered something," he said, joy lighting his face. He turned to Holly. "I think I did – at least I'm pretty sure . . . You hit me and told me you'd buy me a lollipop!"

Holly stood and took a step toward him. "You remember that?"

Artemis nodded. "It wasn't in any of the files on my disk and none of you have mentioned it to me. But I can see the event in my mind. It can't be a false construct because I have no points of reference to have based it around, therefore it must be a real memory! I remembered!"

Holly reached out to clasp his hands in hers. "And everything else?" she asked.

Artemis's face fell at that. His eyes dropped to the bed sheets, then closed, as lines of concentration darkened his features. "No . . ." he said at last. "Just that."

Holly felt a twinge of disappointment, but she squeezed Artemis' hands in her own until the boy winced and looked up at her. "It's a start, Mud Boy," she told him.

"You're right," agreed Artemis, after a moment's consideration. "Contrary to popular belief, amnesia is very rarely conquered by a single stimulus, like often happens in the movies. More often memories return gradually, at seemingly random intervals, or in response to multiple stimuli. It is entirely possible that that will happen to me."

"Even if it doesn't, you're still not off the hook," Holly told him. "You know that, right?"

"We're friends, bonded by trauma, is it?" Artemis asked. His vision swam in and out of focus and his back muscles suddenly gave out, sending him sprawling back down on the bed. "Did something happen?" he asked, trying to remember the last thing he had been doing before waking in this bed. "How did I get here?"

The conversation he'd had with Holly replayed in his mind. And before that he had been sick, he recalled.

"You had a fever," Holly revealed. "That cut on your ankle where the troll got you. It got infected and into your blood stream. Don't worry, we called a healer for you. The only thing she couldn't fix was what had already gotten into your blood stream, but your antibodies seem to have just about taken care of all that now."

"I see."

"You not eating or drinking anything for twenty-four hours didn't help any," said Butler darkly. "But that's partly my fault. I should have kept a better eye on you, Artemis."

"I had one of Opal's truffles," the boy protested weakly.

"One piece of candy doesn't count."

"Think you can handle some soup?" asked Holly. "As scrawny as you are, you can't afford to miss any meals."

Artemis considered the question then nodded. "I could try to eat. I do feel hungry."

AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF

When Opal Koboi clawed her way out of her crashed escape pod, she found herself face to face with a tall tanned woman with a shovel in her hands and a furious expression on her face.

"These are my vines," said the woman angrily. "The vines are my life. Who are you to crash here in your little airplane and destroy everything I have?"

Opal thought fast. "Where is your family?" she asked, wondering if there would be backup coming to aid this woman in her lynching.

"I have no family," the woman told her. "I work the vines alone. I'm the last in the line. These vines mean more to me than my life, and certainly more to me than yours."

Opal smiled wickedly, an idea sparking in her diabolical brain. "Then you have no reason to live anymore, now that your vines are gone, do you?" she asked, her voice layered with the _mesmer_.

"I have no reason to live anymore, now that my vines are gone," the woman said bitterly.

"You should go end your life then," Opal told her. "As quickly and expediently as possible."

"I will end my life now. Quickly and expediently. I have nothing left."

Good Mud Woman, Opal thought. Then it occurred to her that this woman might be at least a little bit useful to her. "You should go home and hang yourself."

"I'm going home to hang myself." The woman turned around without another word and started across the vineyard. Opal followed her, a wolfish grin on her face. The woman would lead her right to her home, and would then remove herself from Opal's list of problems. That would give Opal ample time to search the woman's house for any valuables or currency which would aid in her escape. It would be at least twenty-four hours before the LEP even cleared a mission for her retrieval. Probably longer, since according to the last news Opal had from Haven, that idiot Ark Sool had taken charge of the LEP. By the time they finally got someone topside she would be long gone.

AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF

Artemis opened his eyes and was mildly surprised to find himself staring at the familiar fresco of the ceiling of his own bedroom. Frantically, he searched his recent memories, making sure they were all in place. Not that he'd be aware if any of them had been removed. That was a disturbing thought, but still.

The last thing he remembered was Ark Sool having him and Butler shot with tranquilizers. And before that, Holly had quit the LEP and decided to become a private detective with Mulch. Artemis had felt a tinge of regret that he couldn't stay and play detective with them. Deep down, he'd always wanted a chance to play at being Sherlock Holmes, and he had started to feel genuine (at least he was pretty sure it was genuine) affection for both fairies. They had indeed been bonded by trauma, but it was more than that. Never before (that he could remember at least) had people ever even acted like they liked him for . . . well, for him. Except for Butler of course, but he was practically family. Artemis had no memories of anyone being nice to him unless they wanted something from him, and he had never let anyone close before.

"I really must read up on the subject of this friendship thing," he muttered to himself.

He did not move for several minutes, even though he could have if he wanted to. Instead he opted to just lie back and think.

He searched his mind to see if anymore old memories had resurfaced. Since the great lollipop breakthrough, he'd been able to remember several more small things, each triggered by a relevant stimulus. Holly herself had triggered one, and had done so deliberately, tossing a coin at him, which he'd somehow managed to catch. That had brought back a good memory. The other thing he'd managed to remember had not been pleasant at all, and had occurred when he went to add a cube of sugar to a cup of tea Butler had brought him. It was probably because his subconscious made the connection between the shape of the sugar, and the fact that it was a sweet concoction, like the desserts he'd landed in back in that seafood restaurant. Back when Butler had been shot and killed.

He'd started shaking when those memories rushed back to him and he'd spilt his tea, much to Butler's alarm. Those were memories that he'd almost rather not have gotten back. Almost, but not quite. He'd never believed that there were memories that it was okay to forget. He'd learned something from all of them, after all. They made him who he was.

Something in Artemis's jacket pocket began vibrating. He reached in and pulled out a fairy communicator, which he supposed must have been what Holly slipped into his pocket before he'd passed out. Either that or she had been taking advantage of the opportunity and searching him for loose change, and accidentally left the device on him . . . which was kind of doubtful.

He sat up and opened the device and smiled to see Holly's face on the screen. Then he noticed her concerned expression and felt a twinge of worry. "Is something the matter, Holly?"

Holly visibly relaxed. "You know who I am."

"Yes. My dear fairy friend whom I bonded with over a traumatic experience involving some dangerous pheromones. I hope you won't be offended if I keep our relationship a secret."

That drew a smile from Holly. "Was that supposed to be a joke?" she asked. "That's not like you.

"I have observed people who appear to be on friendly terms make comments containing both levity and trace amounts of sarcasm or self depreciation, and the effect usually put the addressee at ease," Artemis told her. "Have I accurately deduced that you were worried I had been mindwiped again?"

Holly nodded. "Sool's a pig. I wouldn't put anything past him. Sorry about the sedatives, by the way."

"Not as sorry as Sool will be," Artemis vowed. He was going to have to think of something suitably creative for Ark Sool. Something that would make him long for his paper pushing days back at Internal Affairs. Sool would rue the day he took over his new position, and soon LEP would be missing Holly something awful. His plan would have to be even more devious than usual. Something that wouldn't bring real harm to Haven or the fairy people, yet would make the Lower Elements Police frantically busy, and above all that couldn't be traced back to him.

"Don't do anything that will get you mindwiped again, Mud Boy," warned Holly, then glanced around her. "Listen, I can't stay on for long. I had to bolt on a pirate booster to this thing to get a signal. This call's costing me a fortune. I need a favor."

Ah yes, a favor. Helpful acts provided by friends, for friends, without charging fees. Artemis had heard of those of course. Holly had even done some for him in the past he knew, though he could only remember one. She had saved Butler for him. More than saved him, brought him back from the dead. For that, he would gladly do whatever she asked of him.

"What's the favor?" he asked, anxious to participate in this favor exchanging with his newly rediscovered friend.

Holly started to explain about the problem her art dealer client had, which had her stumped, but the sound of running footsteps caused Artemis to ask her to pause and hide the communicator behind his back.

He needn't have worried. It was Butler who burst in, gun drawn, anxious to make sure that Artemis had made it home safely. Then before Artemis could return his attention to Holly's problem, Butler pointed out that his parents were pulling up the drive, and Artemis found himself oddly anxious to see them.

Holly tried to act annoyed when Artemis asked her if she could call him back, but it was obvious that she was happy that he wanted to be with his family. She promised to call again in five hours, then Artemis locked the communicator in his room's safe and ran downstairs to welcome his parents home.

The adventure should have ended there, with Artemis safely at home, in his parents arms. He had certainly been through enough already, and for once he had actually done enough good deeds to deserve a happy ending. But fate and Opal Koboi had other plans.

AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF

Thanks for reading. And three cheers for RoseRedMisery who correctly guessed what Artemis' first words would be! In a few days I'm going to have to start some hard core studying for my exams, so updates will be a little bit slower. But if there's anything you'd particularly like to see (or that you extremely don't want to see) feel free to let me know in either a review or a PM. Since I'll be writing slower, I'll have more time to turn over your ideas in my head and see if I can incorporate them.


	6. Chapter 6

6

Opal was out of magic and it was damned inconvenient. She made do though. Science and technology were her new magic after all. And she borrowed a page from Artemis Fowl's philosophy book. Gold is power. The motto that had driven the young human mastermind translated universally across all cultures.

The renegade pixie was able to secure a fair amount of currency for herself after using the dead Italian woman's meager life savings to purchase a notebook computer and a cheap hotel room for a night. She didn't stay the whole night, of course. Just long enough to create an account and transfer all of the money from her Zito accounts into it. Then she was on the run again. Her destination: Ireland.

AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF

Finding fairy bugs on his computers was relatively simple now that Artemis knew what to look for. His usual spyware scans couldn't detect the foreign programs, so Artemis was reduced to looking through the coding for every single file on his computers manually.

So far he'd found over a dozen programs written in Gnommish programming languages.

"Foaly, you meddlesome quadruped," Artemis muttered darkly. He still couldn't bring himself to like the centaur, even though he had acted quite amiably to Artemis and Butler during their brief stay in Haven, and had seemed genuine about wanting to be friends. Foaly seemed to be under the impression that they had been on their way to becoming friends before Artemis had been mindwiped, but Artemis had serious doubts about that. There were three main things that no one messed with unless they wanted to be subjected to Artemis Fowl's ire. One: his brain. Two: his gold. And three: his computers. Foaly had screwed with two out of the three, and therefore some retaliation was called for.

However, that would have to wait.

The fairy communicator that Holly had given him began to vibrate. Artemis opened it and smiled at Holly. "Hello, again," he greeted her.

Holly, who had been smiling, suddenly frowned. "What are you up to Artemis?" she demanded.

"Whatever do you mean?" he asked innocently.

"I recognize that devious grin. You're plotting something."

"I am always plotting something. It's my nature."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Well?" she asked. "What have you got for me?"

"Well," said Artemis, smiling lazily, "I reviewed the photographs of the room which you emailed me. Good thinking by the way, it saved me from having to request them now that we have a chance to talk again."

"You're not the only person in the world capable of intelligent thought, believe it or not, Mud Boy."

Artemis chose to ignore her interruption. Acknowledging it would only steal more of his thunder. "I reviewed all of the photos and your documentation of the security measures, and developed a strategy for how I personally would go about stealing a painting from this gallery."

"And?" prompted Holly.

"And I discovered that the painting either is in the possession of one Wheezy Grimeback. Very undignified name, by the way. Mr. Grimeback seems to be a fence, however, thus is not the actual culprit. You'll want to check the handwriting on the address label to be sure, of course, but I'm fairly confident that you'll find that the thief is Mr. Grimeback's niece, Muddy Phlegmholme, an employee of the art gallery. As cliché as it is to say this, it was an inside job, Holly."

Holly's expression bordered on incredulous. "Do I even want to know how you came to these conclusions? Or found out the culprits' names?"

"I merely used the People's version of the internet," said Artemis. "All the information was out in the open, no hacking necessary. Or almost no hacking, at least. All I needed to do was make a few alterations to this wonderful phone you provided me with."

Holly groaned. "Artemis . . ."

"I didn't do anything illegal, you have my word," Artemis told her.

"You better not. Because if you do it's my neck that's on the line."

"I know," Artemis told her. "And I won't do anything to get you in trouble, Holly. Now would you like to know how Ms. Phlegmholme was able to remove the painting from the premises without being detected?"

Holly took the bait. Her eyes lit up and she promptly became the perfect audience for Artemis's reveal. "I'm listening, Mud Boy."

Artemis gave Holly his best vampire smile. "She mailed it out."

Holly blinked. "Say again?"

Artemis obliged. "She mailed it," he repeated. "Knowing that she could never get it past the guards or security cameras at the entrance, she removed the painting from its frame, took it into the gallery's office, packaged it in a tube, and doctored the day's shipping log so it showed three items being mailed via the LE Post, instead of two."

"LE Post? She had it sent through regular mail?" Holly asked incredulously.

"While it is much less reliable than specialized couriers, it's also much more difficult to trace," Artemis told her. "If she had mailed it to a PO box which had been paid for in cash, it is entirely possible she would have gotten away clean."

"You're sure this is what happened, Artemis?"

"I am," Artemis told her. "Ask your client to check the mail log for that day. The articles approved to be mailed out were a promotional poster, also in a mailing tube, and a bill in a flat envelope."

A grin spread across Holly's face as it started to sink in that she had her thief. "Thanks Artemis. I really appreciate this."

"You are very welcome. However, I have one thing I would like to request of you."

Holly's smile froze. No doubt she was preparing for the worst. "What's that?" she asked.

"If you get the chance, please taunt Ms. Phlegmholme about purchasing delivery confirmation for her smuggled package. That was monumentally stupid. It allowed me to track every step of the stolen painting's transport." Artemis shook his head. "And she calls herself an art thief."

Holly laughed out loud at that. "Will do, Mud Boy. And again, thanks."

Artemis made a waving motion with his left hand. "This isn't much to thank me for. Let me know if you come across something that's actually difficult."

A muscle twitched near Holly's eye. For some reason she looked a bit annoyed, though Artemis wasn't quite sure why. It couldn't have been anything he said. He was doing his utmost to be polite to her, after all. Maybe she was just tired. Artemis knew that he certainly was.

Footsteps sounded outside his room. Artemis glanced toward the door guiltily, then quickly shut his PowerBook. "Hang on, Holly," he said, hurrying toward his bed. "Someone's coming."

"Again?" Holly sighed. "We never get the chance to just talk."

Artemis gave her a strained smile then hid the device under his pillow and crawled under his covers. A moment later, the door opened, and in walked Artemis Fowl Sr, moving almost as easily on his artificial leg as he'd been able to before he lost it.

"Are you awake, son?" he asked, peering into the room.

"Yes, Father." Artemis sat up.

"Feeling any better?"

"A bit." The excuse that Artemis and Butler had given to his parents had been that he had indeed come down with food poisoning after all, and that everything in Germany, from the food to the smell of the hotel's soap only made him feel sick all over again. "I'll be ready to return to school soon. I promise."

Artemis Sr. frowned and made his way to the bed. Once he reached it, he put his hand on his son's head and looked at him with an expression Artemis Jr. wasn't familiar with. "Are you certain you won't reconsider transferring to a school that's closer to home, son? Your mother and I want you here with us."

Artemis had a hard time meeting his father's eyes. "St. Bartleby's is a tradition," he reminded him. "The Fowl heirs have gone there for generations."

"And over the course of those generations, we've lost sight of what's truly important." Fowl removed his hand from his son's head so that he could wrap his arms around his son and pull him close. "Family is worth more than money or gold, son. It took almost dying for me to realize that. And my greatest regret was coming home and seeing what you had become."

Artemis jerked out of his father's arms, as though the man's touch physically stung. He tried to keep his expression level, but some of the hurt must have shown through because his father held up a hand in a halting motion and quickly backtracked.

"I didn't mean that how it sounded," he said quickly.

"Of course," said Artemis tonelessly.

"It's important to me that you believe that." Artemis Sr. put a firm hand on his son's shoulder.

"Of course," repeated Artemis Jr.

"Son . . ."

"I said I believed you."

"I heard what you said. I'm just not convinced."

Wide cerulean eyes locked onto the older man's staring him down. "You don't believe me?"

"I . . ."

"Would I lie to you?"

"Yes," the elder Fowl said with certainty now that they were on more familiar ground, "you would." He knew this because he had taught his son the fine art of falsifying the truth himself.

"Hmm." Artemis tapped his chin. "I wonder where I could have picked up a skill like that?"

Fowl Sr. resisted the urge to succumb to anger and pulled his son into another hug. That effectively stunned the boy more than a slap across the face would have; something which to the elder Fowl's eternal shame, he knew for a fact. There had been a time when he thought minor acts of domestic violence were a suitable means of communication with his heir. Now, he felt his son's muscles freeze up in his embrace and felt a pang in his own chest as it started to sink in exactly what he had done to his son.

He'd already begun to regret leading his son into the life of crime, of course. He knew that it had taken part of young Artemis's childhood from him, forcing him to be the man of the house at age twelve, having to safeguard the family's fortune and care for his manically depressed mother. It had never occurred to him that what Artemis had lost perhaps couldn't be reclaimed.

His son could memorize Shakespearean verse after reading it once. He had learned upward of twenty languages, could understand any mathematical theorem put before him, and could teach himself to play any instrument. But he could not learn to relax in the arms of one of his parents when they hugged him and now Artemis Sr. wondered if he ever would. Was it really too late to change this boy? He'd molded him into the young man that was before him, after all. He should have been able to reshape his son's future and smooth away those worry lines that creased around his eyes. Yet even as his mind made this analogy, he realized that his metaphor was flawed. Artemis hadn't really been molded into his current state of being like he was made of clay. He'd been chiseled into it, as though he was made of stone.

"But is his heart made of stone too?" Fowl Sr. mused out loud.

Again, Artemis jerked out of her arms, this time shoving off his chest with his palms and ending up sprawled on the bed because of his lack of coordination. "What?" demanded the boy, a bit shrilly.

"Nothing," said his father quickly. "Nothing at all."

But Artemis wasn't having it. "What do you mean 'is my heart made of stone?'" the boy wanted to know. "What exactly do you think I am?"

"I didn't mean that how it sounded, son."

The lines around Artemis' eyes deepened and he looked away. "Of course," the boy muttered, crawling back under his covers.

Artemis Sr. winced. Their conversation seemed to be going in circles and now his son was trying to put an end to it.

"All I want, son," he said, reaching out to touch the boy's hair again, "is for you to be a normal boy." He waited for his son to respond with some indignant protest or snide comment, but none came. "I want you to be happy and healthy. Not as pale as death from spending all your time indoors, and with premature worry lines because you spend so much time glaring and frowning. You're just a child. You . . ." He trailed off as his son uttered a very soft sigh, and realized that the boy had actually fallen asleep. "Look at me, carrying on when you're feeling so ill."

He pulled the covers tighter around the boy's shoulders then stood. "Sleep well, Arty-boy." He paused. "Though I sometimes wonder if you're ever happy, even in your dreams."

Artemis's back was turned to him, so he didn't see the watery blue eyes snap open. The boy remained frozen until his father shut the bedroom door behind him, then gave a shaky sigh. He reached under the pillow, hoping that the soft fabrics had muffled his conversation with his father, so that Holly hadn't heard, but the moment he saw her face he knew that he wasn't that lucky.

Holly's expression was one that Artemis wasn't familiar with so it took him a few seconds to place it. It was pity, he realized with disgust, and he didn't know how to dispel it.

"You're crying," said Holly softly as Artemis searched for the right words.

"What? I most certainly am not," protested Artemis. He swabbed the back of his hand over his face, surprised to find moisture there that didn't belong. "I had an eyelash in my eye, that's all. Nothing more."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Holly asked tentatively.

"Talk about . . ." Artemis shook his head. "No, I do not want to talk about 'it' for there is no 'it' to discuss."

"Sometimes talking about your problems with a friend can help."

"Not hardly," scoffed Artemis. "I once wrote an article for World Psychology under the pseudonym Dr. Ira Shanelle debunking that very myth. Confiding in so-called friends merely fosters a sense of empathy and false conviction that your point of view is the correct one. Not to mention that more often than not, the alleged friend either initially believes, or comes to believe that their friend should have responded differently, but does not voice their opinion, making such conversations between friends about their problems nothing more than one sided complaining sessions."

Holly blinked, then shrugged. "If that's how you feel. But for whatever this is worth . . . I think your father would be very proud if he knew the real you."

Her words warmed him, but Artemis didn't quite know how to accept a compliment like that. If that was a compliment. She was saying it because she wanted to make him feel better, but if she was merely meaning to establish that as a fact, it could be considered arrogant to take it as praise. She might not even mean it . . . though she looked sincere enough.

"He doesn't know the real me though," said Artemis, moving to the heart of the matter and shelving his problem of interpreting compliments for the time being. "I don't even know the real me anymore."

"Well I know the real you," said Holly with so much certainty that Artemis could not help but believe her. "And I'm proud of you. That one spark of decency I asked you to blow on once in awhile . . . well it's become more of a glowing candle flame now. It makes me proud to know you."

Artemis' eyes went unfocused as the ghost images of a buried memory surfaced in his mind.

"Artemis? Hey, are you okay?"

"Hang on, Holly," Artemis said and set down the fairy communicator. He climbed out of bed, hurried to his desk, and retrieved a pen knife. Then he returned to his bed and picked up the communicator in one hand.

"Artemis, what are you doing with that knife?" demanded Holly, looking more than a little alarmed.

"It's okay," Artemis told her.

"Put that down, Mud Boy!" ordered Holly. "Right now."

Artemis looked at her confused.

"I will get Foaly to contact Butler if you don't put that knife down immediately," Holly told him. "Just put it down, Artemis. Don't do anything stupid."

Artemis looked at her oddly. "I'm fourteen, Holly. I've been allowed to handle sharp edged tools for awhile now. Butler himself gave me this pen knife. I think he'd prefer that I keep it on my person for self defense purposes, but –"

"Just put it down, okay?"

"One second," Artemis told her. "I promise not to cut myself." He set down the fairy communicator and pulled his pillow out of its case.

"Artemis, what are you doing?" demanded Holly.

"Retrieving something important."

"Retrieving . . ."

Artemis slit open a seam in his pillow that had already been restitched once before, then reached in and pulled out a small, padded package. He unwrapped the fairy coin that Holly had shot a hole into the center of over a year ago and held it in front of the communicator for her to see. "I kept it close," he told her and forced a smile. "Even though I knew I wouldn't remember it, I didn't want to let it go. So I had Butler conceal it here for me."

"Oh." Holly looked relieved. "That's good. Real good."

"I'll put the dangerous sharp edge away now," Artemis told her, after sliding the leather cord he'd strung through the coin over his head.

"That's not . . . never mind."

Artemis looked at her bemused as he returned the pen knife to his desk. "Is it all right for you to talk this long to me?" he asked. "I don't want you getting caught illegally boosting your transmitter, or overspending on this call."

"Yeah . . . I should go." But Holly looked reluctant.

"I shall endeavor to create a device capable of bypassing the limitations and expenses of these communicators," Artemis promised her. "That way you will indeed be able to call me just to say hello and not have to pay a hefty charge for the privilege."

"Oh yes, the privilege."

"Do you know how few people I answer the phone for?" Artemis asked her. "I don't even need all the fingers on one hand to count them. You are indeed privileged."

That made Holly laugh. "Believe me, I feel privileged. Until the next adventure, Mud Boy."

"Don't you mean disaster, Captain?"

Holly laughed and waved. "Take care."

AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF AF

Next update won't be before Friday. The Red Pyramid comes out tomorrow (new book by the author of the Percy Jackson books, if you didn't already know) and I've scraped together enough money to get a copy, since I was broke after buying my first computer. So I'll be reading that and working on some end of the year projects for school. But summer is near, and then I will be free! Liberated. Unbound. Without restrictions. Yeah. I love summer, lol.


	7. Chapter 7

7

Artemis sighed as he got out of the Bentley. _I must be the only boy in Ireland who actually wants to go to school, _he thought, trying not to look at Butler.

The bodyguard rarely voiced his opinions to Artemis, but he had made an exception in this case. Like Mr. and Mrs. Fowl, he wanted Artemis closer to home where it would be easier to protect him. Somewhere that he didn't have to spend the night unprotected. Somewhere that hadn't banned his bodyguard from the premises.

Not that Butler was actually annoyed. Or at least he wasn't acting like he was. But Artemis couldn't help but feel like he was letting his old friend down by deciding to return to boarding school.

_It's for my sanity's sake, _he told himself._ I will truly go mad if I remain at the Fowl Manor with my parents. I can't so much as run a virus scan without being suspected of trying to cook up some criminal plot or another. _

More than that, the atmosphere was stifling. In a very short amount of time the once aloof Fowls seemed to have become a very hands on family so to speak. Artemis couldn't get used to the physical contact or his father's spontaneous hugs. It was unnerving how his once cold and distant father had suddenly become such a family man. Next he would be looking into father-son football teams if Artemis wasn't careful, never mind that the older man was down one foot.

"Thank you, Butler," said Artemis, keeping his gaze on the school gates rather than risk seeing disappointment in his friend's eyes. "I trust that you'll look after my parents in my absence."

In his peripheral vision he saw the giant nod once then start back toward the car. He paused before getting in. "You be careful, Artemis," he said.

At that Artemis smiled. "I'll be at school, Butler. Studiously attending my classes, retiring psychologists, and reducing my teachers to tears. What trouble could I possibly get into here?"

Butler shook his head and climbed into the car. He waved once before driving away. Artemis returned the gesture then turned toward the school, his vampire smile firmly on his face. "Ah. It's good to be back."

* * *

Holly and Mulch were proudly surveying their new office. With the money from their first case they'd been able to afford the rent, and had just finished unpacking their things. Well, they were mainly Holly's things. Mulch hadn't managed to hang on to much of the wealth he'd accumulated over the years. Holly didn't have a whole lot, but they didn't need a whole lot, yet at least.

They'd just finished hooking up her old second hand communication computer when it began humming, letting them know that someone was requesting a video conference. There were only two people Holly could think of who would be trying to contact her this soon after she'd just set up their new office, so she quickly accepted the call. Foaly's face appeared on the screen, and Holly could tell by his expression that whatever he had to say wasn't good.

"I've got some bad news," he told them, though Holly had guessed as much. "Really bad news."

"What is it?" Holly and Mulch asked together.

"Opal Koboi," said Foaly morosely.

Holly tensed. "Oh no . . ."

"She didn't . . ." Mulch let his sentence trail off.

"She shook our satellite surveillance of her in a train station," Foaly told them grimly, "And Sool only just authorized a Retrieval Team to go after her."

"Only just now!" Holly was outraged. "It's been nearly a week! She could be anywhere in the world by now!"

"I know." Foaly looked very dark. "And she's covered her tracks well. And what's worse is that Sool is driving the LEP into the ground. He's promoting a bunch of fools and paper pushers and giving desk duty to all our best field agents. If this keeps up then the entire organization is going to fall into chaos." He looked very anxious all of a sudden. "Holly," he said, "Are you sure you won't reconsider coming back?"

She shook her head. "Even if I wanted to, I couldn't now. You don't really think that Sool would allow me to be rehired, do you?"

"I could fix things so that he wouldn't find out . . ."

Holly shook her head again. "I can't work for him. I'd only get fired my first week back."

"I'm not asking you to do this for your own benefit," said Foaly sharply. "There's a lot more at stake here than your pride."

"I know that! I didn't quit just because I was insulted. I quit because there was no way that I would have been able to do any good for anyone with Sool itching for a chance to fire me!"

"You didn't even try. Look, I'm still here, even though I hate the way things are going now. I'm going to stay here as long as I can because this is where I'm needed. If I wanted to I could go private and start up my own tech company that would make Koboi Industries look like a Mud Boy's lemonade stand. But I'm here because this is where the People need me, and the truth is that we need you too."

"I can't," said Holly flatly.

Foaly's eyes were like flint as he spoke again. "Without you in the LEP Opal's got a clear path to Artemis, Holly."

"She wouldn't," said Mulch, though his protest of disbelief wasn't very convincing. "She's not stupid, she should know better than to mess with the Mud Boy Wonder by now."

"Think like she does for a minute," said Foaly. "She's insane. She wants revenge. We know how far she's willing to go to get it. We're talking about a woman who put herself in a coma for a year then cloned herself so that she'd have an alibi. Right now the three of us are out of her reach. Her getting into Haven undetected, and managing to stay undetected would be impossible. She's more human than pixie now, remember? But on the surface she'll be almost impossible to find, and there isn't much standing in her way."

"Butler," protested Holly. "She'd have to get through Butler to get to Artemis and that won't be easy."

"It's not easy, but it's far from impossible. Both of you have gotten past Butler before," Foaly reminded them.

Holly drummed her fingers on the desk, thinking hard. "I can't go back to the LEP," she said at last. "You know that it wouldn't do any good, Foaly. You know. I wouldn't be any use to Artemis if I was behind a desk stamping papers."

"So you're just going to sit back and let Opal have her way with Artemis?"

Holly's expression darkened. "Never," she said venomously. "And I didn't say I wasn't going to do anything. Foaly. Tell me what it will take for you to get my partner and I a couple extended surface visas?"

"And tell me what the bounty on Opal Koboi is," added Mulch. "For once I'd like to be paid for being part of these crazy Artemis Fowl incidents."

* * *

Opal took a roundabout route to Ireland, after making a side trip to Switzerland and stopping at one of the finest medical labs that the country could boast of. Here she secured a few chemicals that were necessary for her plans, and checked into a hotel. She stayed there for three days, but when she checked out, she was a good twenty years older. Amazing what a cocktail of the right hormones could do when administered properly. A pair of colored contacts and a box of hair dye later, and Opal was completely unrecognizable from the little girl she had appeared to be only a few days earlier.

After forging a couple of doctorates and printing up an impressive resume, Opal was on her way yet again. According to her information St. Bartleby's was in need of a new psychiatrist.

* * *

In the next chapter Artemis meets his new guidance councilor. Will he recognize her? Or will he not? Will Holly get her surface visa, and a nice big gun to go with it? And will Mulch ever discover Beano? Find out next time!


End file.
